


Better Left Unsaid

by themadmammoth



Series: Swallow Me Whole [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Episode: s05e08 The Hollow Queen, Episode: s05e09 With All My Heart, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Arthur, Pining, Pre-Slash, oblivious to his own feelings and merlin's magic, unrequited merlin/gwaine if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28915044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadmammoth/pseuds/themadmammoth
Summary: Sometimes Arthur thought he knew Merlin like the back of his own hand, but the truth was he’d never really been able to work him out.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Swallow Me Whole [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120658
Comments: 19
Kudos: 143





	Better Left Unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> Can be read as a stand-alone fic, but picks up immediately after Swallow Me Whole from Arthur's perspective. More self-indulgent writing set mostly between 5x08 and 5x09.

Arthur opened one crusty eye and groaned as the curtains were brusquely parted. 

‘Stop it,’ He whined. He braced himself for Merlin’s inevitable barb by snuggling deeper into the covers and shutting his eyes. If Merlin pulled the blankets off him again, he was going to force him to help with mace training today.

‘Good morning to you too,’ came Gwen’s amused voice. Arthur’s head popped out from under the covers and he smiled blearily at her. 

‘Well, you’re a much better sight than Merlin first thing in the morning.’

‘Arthur, it’s no wonder he didn’t tell you he was seeing someone.’

Arthur sat up. ‘Oh. Yes. I still can’t believe that _Merlin_ managed to find a girl,’ he said, frowning. Why had Merlin told Gwen and not Arthur? He was vaguely unsettled by the thought. 

‘You can’t tell me anything about her?’

‘No, I made a promise. And I wouldn’t ask him about it either, I don’t think it’s ended well. He was so tense last night.’ 

‘Now that sounds more like Merlin. I wonder what he did to upset her,’ Arthur said. 

Despite his words, something slid into place hearing this girl wouldn’t be around. Merlin was always by Arthur’s side when he needed him. The idea that sometimes it would be just _Arthur_ and not _Merlin-and-Arthur_ was as uncomfortable as the idea that Merlin had kept his lover secret. 

‘Where is he anyway? I’m supposed to have a meeting about the new estate laws, I need him to help me prepare.’ 

‘He’s burying Daegal, remember? You told him last night he could have the morning off.’

‘I can hardly be held accountable for anything I said last night after dinner,’ He told her with a suggestive look. Gwen really was stunning this morning, her skin glowing against the soft ivory of her nightgown. He took hold of her hips to pull her closer. If Merlin wasn’t going to be here to interrupt them, perhaps he could take her to bed again. Gwen laughed and shoved him away from her into the pillows. Arthur pouted. 

‘We haven’t enough time for that Arthur. Besides,’ she added soberly, ‘we should be thinking about Daegal this morning and how close we came to losing you yesterday. If that arrow had hit you instead… we can’t let a mistake like that happen again.’ 

Arthur’s heart clenched as he remembered the young boy, already pallid with death by the time he had reached them. Merlin had been cradling him tearily. He’d looked the same age as Merlin had been when he’d met Arthur.

‘You’re right, as usual.’ He murmured. He was glad that Merlin had been there for the boy at the end. He deserved to be with someone in his last moments who could give him compassion and reassurance. 

‘Join me in the meeting this morning?’ he asked, taking hold of her hand. ‘I know you planned to visit the town, but this law is important. The Queen should know everything about it.’

Gwen beamed. ‘Of course! I’m always delighted to learn more about the kingdom. I’ll prepare your notes for you.’

He pecked her on the lips, but his thoughts were already turning back to the girl who had captured Merlin’s heart, however brief it may have been. 

* * *

The amount of time Arthur spent thinking about Merlin’s girl must be directly inverse to how long the relationship had lasted. It was the only explanation he had for why he was still thinking about several days later instead of quickly forgetting. 

In Arthur’s defence, it was hard for his thoughts to stray far from the topic around Merlin given how miserable the man looked. Not that he was around much. Arthur’s hearth was sooty, his boots dull, and he was fairly certain the sheets hadn’t been changed in several days. He didn’t have a clue where Merlin could be though, because the poor man looked so drawn whenever Arthur did see him he thought Gwen must have been right about the relationship going sour. 

Maybe he was drowning his sorrows in the tavern. 

Arthur tried everything he could think of to cheer Merlin up. He ribbed the man lightly whenever he saw him, gave him the morning off to gather herbs with Gaius and asked another knight’s squire to help him with his mace work instead of Merlin. 

Even after dragging Merlin on an afternoon hunt (with no actual intention to kill anything lest he make Merlin weepy) and spending half the day chatting to him as they rode through the forest, he was barely speaking. Arthur had even loudly commented on how his tack had never looked better, and hadn’t Merlin just polished it recently?

He tried asking the knights about it. 

‘Did Merlin speak to any of you about that girl that he was seeing?’ he asked as casually as he could as he tugged his gloves off after training. Merlin was in town with Gaius helping with an outbreak of fever. 

There was a loud _CLANG_ and Arthur looked up to see Percival had dropped his helmet. Leon and Mordred were exchanging bewildered looks. Gwaine had an unreadable expression on his face. 

‘Merlin, sire?’ Leon asked. His eyes squinted in confusion. 

‘Yes. Why, did he say something to you?’. 

‘No sire,’ Percival answered. ‘He didn’t speak to us. We’ve never known him to go off with girls.’

‘Yes, well I suspect this was more than ‘going off’ with a girl, I believe he was courting her,’ said Arthur. ‘But it seems like whatever it was, it’s over now. I only heard anything about it through Gwen.’ 

Gwaine shoved his sword aggressively into the rack. ‘He didn’t tell us anything,’ he muttered. 

‘And I don’t suppose you know anything, Mordred,’ Arthur sighed, ‘Merlin acts strangely around you.’

‘When we met in Ismere he thought I was going to kill you, my lord. He is protective of you, that is all. Merlin and I have a long history and there are many secrets shared between us, but in this you are right. Merlin has not discussed this with me.’ 

Arthur’s mind raced. _Merlin_ and _Mordred_ had secrets together? Arthur cast a furtive glance at the other knights, whose perplexion was now directed at Mordred. 

‘Merlin wouldn’t share anything with you he wouldn’t tell the rest of us,’ Gwaine challenged, ‘We’re his friends.’

Mordred shifted uncomfortably. A muscle twitched in Gwaine’s jaw. 

‘Enough,’ Arthur said quickly. ‘Merlin is friends with everyone here, he’s risked his life for all of us often enough. Mordred, your secrets with Merlin are probably related to the druids, is that right? Merlin was sympathetic to druids long before I accepted them.’

Mordred nodded slowly. ‘They are… connected.’ 

Gwaine inhaled sharply and nodded once before turning to help with Percival’s vambraces.

Deep down Arthur knew Mordred was only being tangentially honest, at best, about Merlin.

Secrets with Mordred and an unknown lover. A heavy sensation coiled in his belly. _Will I ever truly know him?_ Arthur wondered. His closest friend in the world, and yet sometimes he felt he barely understood him better than they day they’d met. 

‘I don’t think Gaius knew about the girl either,’ Arthur mused, ‘Gwen had to tell him, too.’

‘Yeah, well Gaius is like a father to him, isn’t he? Maybe he was worried about disappointing Gaius.’ Percival suggested. 

Arthur could very much sympathise with that. Perhaps his father’s greatest disappointment would be that he married a servant. He’d always faintly disapproved of his friendship with Merlin as well. 

‘What kind of girl would make Gaius disappointed in Merlin, though?’ Arthur scrunched up his nose as he pulled his chainmail over his head. ‘What do you think Merlin’s type would be? He and Morgana used to have something between them before she… well.’ He shut down that line of thought quickly. 

Mordred’s mouth was agape. Leon made a disbelieving noise. ‘They look like brother and sister. And Merlin wasn’t surprised when Morgana betrayed us, I think he’d known for a while. He wouldn't have consorted with a traitor.’ 

‘Merlin’s always the first to tell us to watch out for _anyone_.’ Gwaine said. ‘Never met a man with better instincts. Always been betrayed by people he doesn't like.’

‘You’re right,’ Arthur said in mild surprise. Merlin’s funny feelings always had a way of turning out to be true. It baffled him how someone so clueless was constantly right. Merlin wasn’t an idiot, despite what Arthur might say, but he didn’t give off a perceptive air either. 

Another piece to add to the unsolvable puzzle. 

‘What is his type though?’ he asked again. ‘I know for a fact he did fancy Morgana.’

‘Merlin’s kind. He probably likes women who are kind as well,’ Percival said. Arthur nodded. That seemed reasonable.

‘Anything else?’ said Arthur. The knights were silent. 

‘To be honest, sire, it’s hard to imagine Merlin… courting. We’ve all known him for many years and never have I known him to pursue a woman,’ said Leon. The others nodded in agreement. 

Kind was a laughably inadequate way to describe someone’s type. It’s not like Merlin was going to date someone _mean_. 

Arthur grimaced. Perhaps none of them knew Merlin. 

* * *

In the end, he was the one who dragged Merlin to the tavern. 

‘The tavern?’ Merlin had asked, wrinkling his nose. 

‘Yes, Merlin, I assume you’re familiar with the place. Lord knows you spend enough time there. You didn’t take your girl there, did you? It’s not a proper establishment for women.’

Merlin shot him a filthy glare. ‘Not a problem,’ he muttered. 

‘Come on, Merlin, you look like a goat that's swallowed a lemon. We could both do with a night off.’ Hopefully he could get Merlin to speak to him again after a few drinks. 

Merlin hovered indecisively, opening and closing his mouth. 

‘Alright,’ he relented, ‘but only because I don’t trust you to not get yourself killed by an assassin in a bar fight.’

He snorted and clapped Merlin on the shoulder. ‘I appreciate the thought, Merlin, but I can look after myself.’

Merlin hummed disbelievingly. ‘You’d be surprised.’

Arthur chuckled. That had sounded more like Merlin. They were now seated opposite each other at a small table in the corner, nursing tankards of ale. 

‘Alright Merlin, spit it out. You haven’t been yourself all week.’

Merlin’s eyes shifted sideways. ‘I s’pose not.’ 

Arthur sighed. ‘You know I brought us here?’

‘So you can get drunk and make a fool of yourself so I have to haul you back to the castle?’

‘ _Merlin_.’

Something in his voice made him stop and finally look up. Arthur’s heart stuttered at his weary gaze.

‘No one here knows who we are. I’m not King Arthur of Camelot, and you’re not my manservant. We’re just… Merlin and Arthur.’ He paused. ‘You seem like you could use a friend right now. So tell me what’s going on.’ 

Merlin took a long draught. 

Arthur almost asked about the girl but an unpleasant feeling welled up inside him. Like protectiveness, but stronger and more bitter. Maybe when he’d had a few more drinks, he’d say something. 

‘Is it about Daegal? I know that’s been hard for you.’

‘I… no, that – I mean…’ Merlin sighed and furrowed his brows. 

Sometimes Arthur thought he knew Merlin like the back of his own hand, but the truth was he’d never really been able to work him out, even after ten years together. Something in the stoop of Merlin’s shoulders reminded him eerily of his own when he felt the weight of the kingdom pressing down on him.

‘Kind of, I suppose.’ Merlin shrugged. ‘It’s – he didn’t have to die, you know? He just got caught up in something bigger than him. He was trying to be a good person. I think he would have been a pretty good physician, actually. I wanted to introduce him to Gaius. But he’s dead.’ Merlin blinked. ‘The people who caused it probably don’t even remember him. And I just – when does it all stop? How am I supposed to save everyone? It’s more than I can bear.’ 

Arthur felt a muddy rush of warmth and sorrow tighten in his throat. Merlin was the sort who cried at dead unicorns and felt life in the world at sacred places. It was useless telling him not to shoulder the burden of Arthur’s kingdom for him, because that’s just the kind of person Merlin was. But he could try and make it more bearable. 

‘I know,’ Arthur said with soft earnestness. ‘Every time I send my men into battle, I know I am sending some of them to their deaths. Because of the schemes of men on thrones who think they know better. 

‘But as it is their choice to fight for me, it was Daegal’s choice to go after the assassin with you, because he believed in something greater. We are all of us allowed to fight and die for what we believe in. Perhaps he did get caught in something larger, but that does not mean his death was meaningless. He died believing he did something good, that he made a difference in this world. That is not wasted.’

Merlin was quiet for a long time. His eyes glistened. 

‘I believe in you, Arthur,’ he said at last. ‘I will always serve you, and if I die doing that then my death will not be wasted either.’

Arthur’s breath caught. His manservant still caught him off guard in these moments when he pledged his life to Arthur. It felt as if his soul was flayed bare before him, a shocking vulnerability that would terrify him were it anyone else but Merlin who made him feel this way. Even Gwen and his knights could not peer into his soul the way Merlin did, because he had other roles to fill with them. King, warrior, husband. Merlin was the only one who needed him to be just Arthur. 

When Merlin looked at him with such unwavering devotion, it was not hard to imagine a woman might fall in love with him. 

‘There you go, then,’ Arthur said. He raised his drink. ‘To making a difference.’

They both lifted their cups to their lips. 

* * *

They were a few drinks in and it was becoming apparent that Merlin was not in the tavern anywhere as often as Arthur was led to believe, if his state of inebriation was anything to go by. 

‘Really Merlin, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so hopeless after so few drinks. I’d have expected more of someone who once spent two whole days in here.’

His own head was buzzing pleasantly. The world seemed a little kinder, softer. Not so harsh. 

‘Wasn’t in the _tavern_ ,’ Merlin snorted as he took another swig. Some of it dripped down his chin. He frowned and wiped it away with his neckerchief. 

‘Apparently so. Don’t tell me that every time you said you were here, you were off with a _girl_.’ His stomach lurched. Did he want to know?

‘Was looking after your royal backside, you ungrateful prat. Rescuing Camelot. The usual. I never get enough credit around here,’ he added mournfully. 

Arthur let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. ‘Merlin, washing my socks isn’t a matter of life and death.’

‘That’s what you think, but what if you – picked up a fungus in the forest! And then if I didn’t wash your socks properly your whole foot would rot off.’ He nodded decisively to himself. The flickering light overhead threw his elegant cheekbones into relief. 

‘Yes, thank you Merlin. Me and my two feet are eternally indebted to your sock-washing duties.’ There was a brief silence. 

‘No girls, then?’ Arthur pressed. 

‘No time for girls. Too busy looking after you. Fulfilling destiny,’ he gestured vaguely. 

‘All these years and there’s never been a girl? Come on, Merlin. Surely there’s someone out there foolish enough to see past your clumsiness.’ The words fell from his lips of their own accord. He wanted to know. He didn't want to know. 

‘Well. Maybe one girl, once,’ Merlin said. Arthur’s gut clenched. 

‘Go on then. Tell me.’

‘Freya,’ Merlin whispered. He could hardly be heard over the raucous laughter in the background. 

_Freya_. Arthur felt off-kilter, like the whole world was askew. He forced a smile. 

‘You know Merlin, if all you give me is a name, I’m going to think you made her up,’ He teased as if it wasn’t burning him inside. Merlin was _his_ friend. He didn’t want to share the charged, devoted looked Merlin gave him with anyone else. Didn’t want to share Merlin at all. 

‘Doesn’t matter. She’s dead.’ There was more than just grief in his eyes, but Arthur couldn’t put his finger on what Merlin was thinking. His heart, which had been fit to burst, dropped like a stone. Merlin's girlfriend had _died_ and he hadn’t once said anything? Merlin watched Arthur’s lips vacantly as he wet them. 

‘I,’ – he broke off, thinking. What was he supposed to say? ‘Merlin, you don’t have to go through these things alone. I know you and Mordred have secrets as well, and – you can tell me anything, Merlin. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things because I’m the King. I’d do anything for you, you know that,’ and that must be the drink talking because it was true Arthur would do anything for Merlin, but he'd never said it out loud before.

Merlin stared at Arthur. ‘Yeah. Right, ‘course. Anything,’ he muttered. 

Arthur swallowed uncomfortably. The tavern had been a terrible idea. All he’d done was discover Merlin had even more secrets than he’d originally thought.

‘Freya isn’t the girl that Gwen told us about last week, is she? Is that why you’ve been so upset?’

Merlin’s eyes went round and he snapped out of his mood so fast it gave Arthur whiplash. He was oddly mercurial at times. ‘Oh. Nah. Freya was years ago.’

Had he really been holding this back from Arthur for that long? 

‘Gwen was, uh, mistaken. Told you, no time for girls.’ His eyes widened further, the size of fat gold coins. ‘There’s something I need to tell you about Gwen.’ He leaned over the table, opened his mouth then shook his head. ‘No, can’t.’

Merlin was so close Arthur could see every eyelash. ‘Tell me.’

‘I, uh,’ – Merlin seemed to flounder. ‘She kissed me!’ He blurted wildly. 

‘She _what?’_

‘No, no, it was ages ago! When I first came to Camelot. You barely knew she existed and you were a cabbagehead. Well, a bigger one than you are now, anyway. She kissed me when I woke up from the antidote to the mortaeus flower.’

That made more sense, but still – _Merlin_ and _Gwen_? Trying to think felt like swimming through honey. How much had he drunk?

‘You never said anything!’

‘Didn’t matter at the time. Like I said, you didn’t know she existed. Nothing ever happened. Lancelot came not long after and she stopped looking at me.’

And that – that was even _worse_ , because he’d thought maybe Gwen had just kissed Merlin out of sheer joy that he was alive but apparently, she’d been giving him _looks_ as well? Arthur was flabbergasted. Gwen had kissed _Merlin_. 

Even someone as oblivious as Merlin couldn’t fail to miss Arthur gaping like a dying fish. 

‘Uh. Sorry. If it makes it better, I never realised that she’d been looking at me at all until after she stopped. Even when she kissed me I didn’t realise. You and her started looking at each other well over a year after that. Whatever was between us was long finished.’ His head rolled contemplatively to one side. 

‘It was a nice kiss,’ he added vaguely and then froze. ‘Sorry. Shouldn’t have said that. I was nearly dead, I don’t remember it. Said what?’

Arthur clapped his mouth shut. He could admit (at sword point) that Merlin was an attractive man, in a striking sort of way. His slim jaw and plush mouth were almost girlish but there was a decidedly masculine cast to his face. When the light hollowed out his cheekbones he had such a look of delicate otherworldliness that Arthur wondered if he was entirely human. 

Apparently, Gwen had once felt the same siren call of Merlin’s inky hair and alabaster skin, all black and white except for the clear blue of his eyes and the pink of his lips. A simmering jealousy replaced his shock. He grit his teeth. Guinevere had kissed those lips. He wondered what it had felt like. Warm and soft and fuller than any girl’s mouth that he knew. 

Fighting every screaming instinct he had, he told himself he was being foolish. Took a deep breath. It was irrational for him to be jealous. Merlin was right, it was well before Arthur had taken an interest in Gwen.

Oddly, that thought did not assuage him. 

_Act normal_ , he thought desperately. He shook his head. 

‘You really are completely oblivious, aren’t you Merlin?. Can’t even see a girl’s interested when she throws herself at you.’

‘Ha!’ Merlin threw his head back and cackled with nervous relief. 

_He’s hopeless_ , Arthur thought fondly. 

‘Yeah – wait, no. You’re the oblivious one, Arthur.’ Merlin pointed dramatically. ‘You thought I was in love with some girl! And you’ve been staring at me for the last week and a half instead of just _asking_ me.’ 

Had Arthur been that obvious? He crossed his arms. 

‘Arthur, I spend all my time with you. It’s you that I – I mean, you’re… you’re _everything_ Arthur. There’s no one else.’ 

Arthur’s blood cooled, his envy evaporating in an instant. Something was stuck in his throat, making it impossible to swallow. He stared wide-eyed at Merlin over the table. Merlin’s own irises were dark and unreadable in the low lighting. 

‘It’s all the time I have to spend on your socks, of course,’ Merlin tacked on hurriedly, flashing a sudden grin. The moment broke. ‘Hard to keep them clean with all the traipsing about you do in the woods. You’re lucky you’ve still got both feet.’

Arthur raised his eyebrows sceptically. ‘I think we’ve both had quite enough for tonight. Come on, let’s go.’ He hauled Merlin up and out of the tavern. 

‘No, my _ale_ ,’ Merlin whispered. Arthur snorted. 

‘There’ll be more of it when you go back, Merlin.’

‘But I _never_ go to the tavern.’ 

‘Honestly, where on earth do you get to for days at a time? If it’s not the tavern and you’re not seeing a girl, I haven’t the faintest idea where you could be.’ Merlin tripped over a cobblestone as they passed a set of braziers. His eyes glowed with astonishing brightness from the reflection of the fire and he suddenly caught his balance. 

‘Ugh. Whoops. Not supposed to do that in front of people.’

‘What, fall over? That’s the general idea. You’d make less of a fool of yourself.’

‘Clotpole. Anyway, I told you where I was. Rescuing your socks. And Camelot.’

Arthur raised his eyes skyward and helped Merlin up the courtyard stairs. ‘Lord help me.’

‘Hey,’ Merlin said indignantly. 

Arthur smiled. ‘You sound like you’re back to yourself.’

‘Thanks,’ Merlin sniffed begrudgingly. 

‘Well, that’s what friends are for. I told you that you can tell me anything. I didn’t even get angry with you for kissing my wife, see?’

‘ _She_ kissed _me_!’ Merlin sputtered. ‘And she wasn’t your wife!’

‘Are you sure you want to keep bringing this up, Merlin? I’ll have to put you in the stocks if you keep slandering the Queen like this.’

‘ _Ass_.’ 

The reached Arthur’s chambers and stood back to appraise each other. Arthur raised his eyebrows in question. Merlin nodded once at him, and the knot in his chest loosened. He held Merlin’s gaze for another few seconds. They didn’t need words. He turned towards the door. 

‘Arthur.’ 

He glanced back. 

‘Do you trust me?’ Merlin’s voice was lower than usual. Arthur's navel stirred.

‘With my life,’ said Arthur. 

‘There is something I need to tell you, Arthur. I can’t yet, but soon. I need you to trust me when I do.’

Arthur’s head rushed. He didn’t understand how Merlin could possibly have a secret so great, but he was looking at Arthur as if the world depended on the answer to his question. 

_You never fathomed me out?_

‘Always,’ Arthur told him. 

Merlin let out a shaky breath and squared his shoulders. ‘Goodnight, sire. It’s late.’

‘Goodnight, Merlin.’ He watched his manservant, the man who was paradoxically his other half and a complete mystery, disappear around the corner. 

* * *

_Soon_ , as it turned out, was the next evening. The day itself passed uneventfully. Arthur watched as Merlin’s fingers lingered over his shoulders while he dressed him, finalised the tax route with the Council and spent the afternoon training the knights. There was a lightness to him he hadn’t felt in days. The knights noticed. 

‘You seem cheerful, sire.’ Mordred said. 

‘Yes, I suppose so.’ He smiled, panting as he executed his footwork. 

‘Didn’t you take Merlin to the tavern last night? Is he feeling better?’ Percival asked. He looked over to where Merlin sat in the shade, hammering a dent out of a shield. 

‘I think so. Oh, and it turns out there wasn’t a girl. Gwen was wrong.’

Gwaine grinned slyly. ‘Jealous, were we, princess? Is that the reason for your good mood?’

‘Of course.’ Arthur rolled his shoulder and hefted his sword, stabbing the air in front of him. ‘It’s his job to look after me, can’t have his attention on some girl.’ His tone was jesting, but he was half-serious.

Gwaine’s smile was quickly replaced by a scowl. ‘Naturally. God forbid Merlin fall in love and have his own life.’

Leon shot Gwaine a warning look. Arthur drove the blade of his sword into the earth and stomped off towards Merlin. 

‘Help me out of this.’ He muttered. Merlin looked up in surprise but did as he was asked without comment. 

Gwaine’s remark rankled him. He’d never admit it – he barely admitted it to himself – but there was a part of him that didn’t want Merlin to have his own life. He wanted him to himself. He _needed_ Merlin by his side. He dreaded the day Merlin’s attentions were divided and he couldn’t rely on his friend constantly being there. 

Merlin’s steady and methodical hands calmed him. ‘Thank you,’ he said offhandedly. ‘Take those back to the armoury for polishing. And I expect to see you at dinner to serve Gwen and I, Merlin.’

‘Yes, sire.’ 

Arthur whiled away the remainder of the afternoon reading fabric trade reports, had a pleasant dinner with Guinevere with Merlin by his side, and fell asleep next to his wife. 

He startled awake not long after when something soft whacked him in the face.

‘Who’s there?!’, he yelled, seizing the dagger from under his pillow.

‘Arthur, it's me!’ He looked around wildly to where Merlin was holding a cushion defensively in front of himself. He looked ridiculous. 

‘Merlin. What on earth are you doing? Did you _hit me with a cushion_ to wake me up?’. Merlin bit his lip. Arthur collapsed down into the bed and rolled over to check on Gwen. 

She wasn’t there. 

‘Merlin,’ he said, his voice sounding strangely detached. ‘Where’s Guinevere?’. 

Merlin strode forward until he was by Arthur’s side next to the bed, and took a deep breath. 

‘I know where she is.’

‘Well then, where is she?’ There was something about the slump in Merlin’s shoulders, the way his eyes flickered about, that told him the answer wouldn’t be simple.

‘You know how I asked you to trust me last night?’

Dread squeezed his ribcage. He nodded mutely. 

‘We know there’s a traitor in the castle. Someone who knew the place well enough to restitch your saddle and kill Tyr, and someone who had access to your food and chambers that wasn’t me.’

‘Go on.’ He breathed. 

Merlin rubbed his cheek. ‘I think Morgana did something to Gwen. She’s been lying to me since she came back from the dark tower.’

Arthur’s mind reeled. ‘No. The dark tower was weeks, months ago. I would have noticed if she was acting strangely.’ He flew over the last few weeks in his head, filled with Gwen’s adoring gaze, her kind laughter, how she'd taken to walking just outside the citadel so often these past months – 

Arthur panted, his brow creased. 

‘Trust me, Arthur. Please. I think she’s on her way to meet Morgana now. I can show you.’

He looked up. Merlin was white, his lips pinched, but his eyes were steady. 

_Never met a man with better instincts_ , Gwaine had said. 

‘Take me,’ he ordered. 

* * *

It was three candlemarks past midnight, and Arthur was slumped on the stairs to Merlin’s small chamber. Gaius slept soundly on his cot behind tables of books and glass phials. He should go to bed and let Merlin sleep as well. But Arthur couldn’t go back to the bed he had shared with Guinevere. 

The door creaked gently behind him and he looked up to see Merlin emerge, wearing a fresh shirt. He looked as harrowed as Arthur felt. Merlin sat down beside him.

Arthur closed his eyes and hung his head. 

‘Why do they all leave me, Merlin?’ He said wretchedly. ‘Morgana and Agravaine both betrayed me. Lancelot and Elyan sacrificed themselves. My father is dead.’

‘Gwen and your father didn’t leave you by choice, Arthur. They would never.’

Arthur pressed a hand to his forehead. ‘No. They were stolen from me by magic.’

Merlin shifted quietly next to him. Arthur opened his eyes and looked steadfastly at an upturned stool. 

‘Is this why you’ve been missing so much lately, Merlin? You were following Gwen?’

Merlin nodded. 

Maybe Arthur didn’t want to know Merlin’s secrets after all. He was happier before. 

‘How did you know? How did I not see it?’ 

How had Merlin known Guinevere was trying to kill him, as Arthur himself had slept cluelessly by her side? He was her husband, he should have -

‘You mustn’t blame yourself Arthur. You were the person she was trying the hardest to deceive.’ He scuffed his shoe on the floor. ‘I found a scrap of Gwen’s dress in the forest near the citadel after Morgana attacked. Then Tyr was killed right after she convinced you not to talk to him and she had me arrested when you were poisoned… it just all started adding up.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner?’ his voice cracked. That Merlin hadn’t trusted him earlier and that Gwen had been this way for so long was a lance through his heart.

‘I wasn’t sure myself at first. Just a feeling. I didn’t want to hurt you if I was wrong.’

Merlin and his funny feelings. 

Arthur scrubbed his face. ‘We have to find a way to get her back. I’ve lost too many people.’

‘We will.’

And there it was, Merlin’s quiet confidence that never rattled, no matter what they were faced with. He always believed they could get through anything. His conviction bolstered Arthur. 

‘At least I’ve still got you, Merlin.' Sometimes Arthur thought the whole world could be against him and he'd still have Merlin by his side.

‘I’ll always be here for you, Arthur,’ Merlin murmured. 

Tallow dripped and pooled from the candles like the tears down Arthur’s cheeks, until the flames sputtered weakly and his eyes dried. 

He felt a hesitant hand rest on his back. Arthur choked back a gasp. He was always so careful with the way he touched Merlin, never more than a friendly slap or a clasped forearm. There were times he ached to touch him so deeply he felt it in his bones. 

He never did touch him. If he ever let himself have more, he felt as if a dam would burst inside him. 

Merlin knew this. He knew everything about Arthur, with a depth that made Arthur wonder if perhaps Merlin had swallowed his very essence. His touch was feather-light, fingertips trembling against Arthur’s spine. Questioning. 

Arthur didn’t know everything about Merlin, but for now he didn’t need to. Because no matter what secrets Merlin was holding onto, Arthur knew, irrefutably, that Merlin would always be with him. 

He inhaled the musky scent of herbs permeating the air and remembered the sweet smell of summer fields a lifetime ago, riding back from Ealdor with Merlin, Gwen and Morgana. 

And just this once, he let himself relax against the hand of the only true friend he had left in the whole world.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally I was going to post this with Swallow Me Whole, but it didn't fit together. It was odd never going back to Merlin's perspective AND leaving everything unresolved. 
> 
> The title represents a few things: Arthur's subconscious feelings for Merlin, Merlin hiding his magic, and the way Merlin and Arthur can communicate without words


End file.
